VACANT LOT

I am staying up with baby tonight, trying to give Fea a chance to sleep as close to an entire night through as possible.

He's been good so far. He wouldn't settle in the bedroom with Fea, so I missed out on a nap. I had to take him out into the dining room and feed, wind, and change him. He settled after that, and has been quiet for a good hour and a half. He's making noises indicating slight dissatisfaction now, which will no doubt escalate over the next 20 minutes to a proper sook in advance of another feed. For the moment, though, I have time to type!

Parenthood has been very rough for Fea so far. Noah was huge, and tore her end to end. The four nights she was in the Mater were awful: he wouldn't latch on, and she was given different and conflicting advice by every other nurse and midwife. Breast feeding isn't meant to hurt; no, actually, he's latched on properly and if it's hurting that's just how it'll have to be until you toughen up. The reason that he won't settle is that he's comfort sucking; have you considered using a dummy? WHO GAVE YOU THIS DUMMY? This is completely irresponsible: dummies interfere with breastfeeding! We no longer have a nursery because we want to encourage breastfeeding; but if his colour doesn't change you'll need to top him up with formula. Et cetera, and made worse by the fact that I couldn't stay the night and reassure her that the whole thing was just completely insane.

Being home has been better, but still very tough for her. She's not been getting anywhere near enough sleep, and has been having to express every couple of hours because he still won't take to breast; then after half an hour of expressing he needs a feed, then winding, then a change of nappy, and then she's got half an hour before she needs to express again. Repeat without interruption for three days. I'd have run in front of a bus; all Fea got was severe baby blues. Those look like they might be passing now, or at least getting less severe, which is a blessing. She's smiling again and it's usually not forced.

Noah is perfectly healthy. He made it back up to his birth weight in eight days and is trying very hard to outpace Fea's milk production. She's creeping ahead, and we have enough that she would probably be able to sleep through till about five if she didn't have to express. She's producing about a spare bottle every time she expresses.

Aside from not settling, which I think is just a newborn thing anyway - although Sam and Nancy have both said that theirs were not as unsettled as Noah has been - but anyway, aside from that, he's been good to us. He's only cried when there's been something wrong, and working through the checklist we do eventually get to whatever is bothering him. Fed in the last two hours? Check. Nappy clean? Check. Not overstimulated? Check? Oh, he just wants a hug. (He wants a lot of hugs!)

I'm doing pretty well. Fea's been letting me get the lion's share of sleep, which is very considerate of her. I've been tired at work, but no more tired than I was when I worked shift. That was manageable, and is at least familiar now. Otherwise, I've just been trying to do everything I can to help Fea: changing nappies, fetching drinks and making breakfast, trying to reassure her that things will get better, as everyone keeps telling me, and as actually appears to be the case. I feel like we're approaching the other side, now, where it's not just sleep deprivation and being ravenous but unable to make a sandwich for three hours because he just won't be put down. It feels like we're only a couple of weeks away from smiles, and if not a lot of sleep, then at least a routine that we can work around.

Oh, and he really is very, very cute. I am a little biased but he might be more adorable than any baby I have ever seen.

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